Jeez is this thing ever going to end!? I feel like I have been asking myself that a lot the past couple of months as I (not so) patiently await my husband’s return.
As most of you know from my Instagram photos and last deployment update, I have been in a terrible slump the last half of this deployment. I have not felt like myself and everything I have tried to do to solve the problem has been with little or no success. I took it upon myself to take a vacation home to Oregon last month for a few weeks to be with my family and try and escape the feelings I was having here. It worked for the most part I think. I never realized how lonely it was here until I was surrounded by family and friends and felt alive again. I have tried to remain positive for my pregnancy and mental health but I learned from that that it’s okay to need and ask for help during difficult times.
I think I thrived during the first half of deployment because my schedule had me busy from sun up to sun down, something a person who is 7+ months pregnant can’t really do. I had to slow down and when I did, I felt alone and emotionally drained.
I have never really experienced any type of mental health issues before so I did not know the signs to look for and really did not understand what was going so wrong. I felt like my work, something I am so beyond passionate about, was a drag. Every project was sub-par and I know my work is better than that, so why couldn’t I produce like I knew I could? Why could I not sleep at night because my mind was racing about all of the things going wrong in my life? Why did I put myself on a rock in the middle of the ocean where I have no family and a deployed husband? Why was my health becoming such an issue during pregnancy despite all of the steps I had taken to make this pregnancy as perfect as possible?
All of these things added up and got the best of me.
I said in my last post that I would defeat the slump and I did but what I didn’t realize is that things had to get worse before they got better.
That was a hard pill to swallow.
I feel refreshed from my trip home. I think the crisp Central Oregon air and being surrounded by so much love was healing for my soul. Maia the bulldog was also very healing during this time. Despite us having to leave her behind due to her health problems as a bulldog not mixing well with Hawaii, she still loves her mama. We shared some awesome morning snuggles and she acted just as excited to see me every time I walked in the door. She knew I needed her and she was there to comfort me.
I feel more ready than ever to get back to the career I have been working so hard to create for myself. I am better, but it didn’t happen overnight and that is okay. It is okay that I couldn’t handle everything alone and I needed to ask for help. I wish I would’ve acknowledged that and asked for help sooner.