Back when I was solely a blogger, I wrote a post about how the birth control Nexplanon took control of my body for 3 long years. I knew the effects as soon as I had the implant removed. I was suffering in a way I had never known before. The first year I felt every emotion possible in wave(hello crying about everything), severe mood swings, and mini(or maybe not so mini) explosions in my mood. The two years that followed I felt nothing at all. Not even TV shows or Facebook videos that would normally send me into an hour-long cry fest had no effect on me. I just felt nothing. Newsflash for all my babes reading this: THAT IS NOT NORMAL.
Upon removal, I believed I could take control of my body back. Slowly but surely my emotions crept back in and I felt a wave of relief come over me about the things to come. Before I decided to have my birth control removed, Jesse and I had "the talk". We decided that our future was in some larger power's hands and that if we were meant to have children at this time, we would. So, we started trying in July 2017. Two young, married people trying to start their family sounds a lot easier than it actually is. We tried for months without anything happening for us. Maybe this wasn't our time but I couldn't help but wonder if this toxic birth control I had put in my body had ruined me and our chance at having a family. I read the horror stories in an attempt at doing research and let's just say it did not make our odds feel any better. We persisted and decided after our move if we hadn't conceived we would talk to a medical professional.
Our plan had always been to start our family after we got married; it was something we dreamed about and talked about often. I knew we would be judged and people would call us crazy, but what else do y'all think people do after they get married? So, we tried and month after month, negative test after negative test. We were in the process of figuring out where we started with help as we rolled up on the one-year of trying mark. It is required by most medical professionals that we try for a year before beginning tests to figure out if there is a problem at hand. All around me it felt like my friends and even strangers were pregnant and having babies and it was sad for me. I felt like I had gone wrong somewhere in my life and I would never have a babe of my own. Looking back, I know that sounds dramatic but I felt like if it didn't happen then it never would.
Jesse was getting ready to deploy and we were figuring out who to make an appointment with so we could at least have some clarity before he left when in late May I had a crazy feeling in my body with some symptoms I had never experienced. I was at the farmers market with a friend who told me I should take a test. But here's the thing about pregnancy tests and me, after so many desired "yes" readings being a "no", I felt a lot of anxiety around them. Peeing on a stick should not be so excited but every time I thought it might be the time it says "yes" I was met with one line and a ruined day. But something this time felt different or at least I was telling myself that(again) on my way to Target.
I was in the bathroom before Jesse had even woken up(not a morning person) and took my test. I was trying to not get excited and watched with shaking hands as two lines appeared. HOLY **** **** ***** ****(yes I cuss a little but the words I said and thought in this exact moment do not need to be on the internet). I went into shock, panic. Was this real this time? What do I do? Oh shit I should probably tell Jesse. I definitely wanted to do something cute but after our tough almost year trying I couldn't contain myself. What can I say, I am not good at keeping things from my husband. I took the test and threw open the bathroom door and jumped in the bed and told Jesse the news. He was shocked(definitely a Kodak moment but alas no camera in sight). We laid there and cried a little and both felt nerves and excitement and so many things. Both in shock, I took another test and ended up with 2 more yeses. This was happening for real this time. Of course, there was a creeping panic that this might not last but I knew I had to do everything in my power to nurture and grow this little love to the best of my ability.
Now here we are, over halfway through pregnancy with our little princess growing bigger each week. I cannot believe it still but as I feel her move and watch my belly grow there is a feeling of relief. We did it, we created a little life half me and half the love of my life. Our days of praying for this baby have turned into days filled with hopes and dreams for the life we are creating for this tiny being. I am so excited to be this little girl's mama and see Jesse be a daddy. This journey has been one filled with anxiety and heartbreak but knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel is an incredible feeling. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this, nor will I be the last. Reading other people's heartbreaks turn into something beautiful was helpful for me so I hope this can be the same source of light for someone else.