Life as a military wife: lonely
Life as a new mom AND military wife: even more lonely
It was baby K’s third week at home, my mom had left, and it was time for Jesse to go back to work. No biggie right? People do this all the time. Then…boom, Jesse is going to the field for a week. Instant panic sets in as I realize I am about to be a new mom…alone. I know, there are literal moms who are alone out there and this is not meant to take away from their struggles, but going from having the best help(like I said, Jesse literally races me to change K’s diaper) then having no-one is rough.
I called my mom…a lot.
I texted Jesse…also a lot.
I felt like my whole world was collapsing in on me. I wanted to run away because I felt like a failure. I thought I was having my first round with PPD which made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, and pathetic. It felt like life was out to get me.
The first day was okay but the second K was not feeling well and didn't sleep which means neither did I. Nothing I did could soothe her. I tried walking, driving, letting her comfort nurse, sit in the swing, sleep next to me, anything to make her feel better. Nothing worked. I even went super-extra-mom and took her to the doctor because I thought she was sick(she had a low grade fever but was overall fine). Then all of a sudden she stopped and as okay. After a bath we managed to get a few hours of sleep and both felt like new people, at least I did. The week went by and then by some miracle, Jesse came home and I realized we made it.
Thinking about it now, I believe I was just overwhelmed but was likely right on the edge of something scarier…Postpartum Depression(PPD). It is so common in new mamas but so not talked about. When I felt those feelings I wanted it to be over because I felt “weird”, ashamed, and like I wanted to hide even more. I know I love my baby but feeling like I wanted to set her down and run because I thought someone else could be a better mom to her hurt me. I didn’t mean to feel such a way but it was like I couldn’t control my feelings.
I survived and write this alone again as my husband sits in the field somewhere. There were meltdowns(and not just from K) but we did it and I realized us mamas are a lot stronger than we think. Because we have to be. For our littles.
My best advice for days when you feel like everything is crumbling is to talk to someone and take a break. Give your little one to a grandparent or spouse or take advantage of nap time to take a hot shower and refresh yourself. Put on a little makeup or put on an outfit that makes you feel confident. Talk about how you feel, don’t let it be buried under the stigma you may feel. We got this mamas, we’re in this together.